God, Guitars and Lager

The Church

2007-03-30T07:33:00.000-05:00

Every Sunday morning my mother took me there
Put on my brown leisure suit and I combed my hair
The organist was 90, the Deacon he was swell
When he told me to repent or go to hell

(Chorus)
The church ain't a building, the church ain't a place
The church ain't an organ playing 'Amazing Grace'
The church has an author in case you haven't heard
The church is his body living out his word

I've served on committees that were really fine
Argued about carpets and communion wine
The people all got angry when the sermon took too long
Please help me God where did we get it wrong?
(chorus)

I've given up the battle of changing all we've done
and look to find a new way of following the Son
I'm working out salvation with trembling and fear
Please give us eyes to see and ears to hear
(chorus)

I'm sorry Jesus that we got it wrong
And I probably should apologize for writing down this song
Teach us to feed the hungry and to become the meek
And to be your people seven days a week
(chorus)

Platitude "o" the Day

2007-03-29T08:37:00.000-05:00

Try and remember what you're for instead of going off the deep end for what you're against.

The King James Version

2007-02-22T18:37:00.000-05:00

1And on the northern end of the county of the gravied foods the family of John the Brownstownite entered the camp upon the back of an iron camel.

2And John's tribe, numbered fournoscore, amongst them his wife Traceth, Anthonias the son of John and John's daughter Alison.

3And lo the Lord had seen fit to snow upon the land and freezeth the water unto blackened ice. Twas slippery indeed. Darkness had fallen upon the land of John.

4And John having led the journey afar had turned the reigns of the iron camel to Traceth for the journey homeward. "Alison is weary with travel and hath fallen into a deep sleep. I shall carry my daughter to her tent" sayeth John.

5"Do ye imagine to traverse the frozen land with heavy load risking life and limb, for surely your daughter is not so weary to walk?" sayeth Traceth.

6"Verily I say unto you my wife: I am man. You are woman. Knoweth your place and silence your tongue as I do my bidding without fail for I AM MAN" sayeth John.

7 As time passed John lifted his daughter down from the beast and did carry her upon his mighty chest. Upon entering the main tent the big toe of his left foot encountered the ice that the Lord had placed upon the ground. With a loud snap John became brokenfooted with multiple fractures of the leg. Loud cries such of that of a great wounded beast were heard throughout the land of gravied foods and all who heard the wailing were afraid.

8 And so John lay upon the ground writhing in agony weeping the tears of a small girl child. "Oh Lord, why have you smote the ankle of your servant? Oucheth! I say unto thee. Why does it hurteth so freaking much? Oh man, this is really, really bad." thus sayeth John.

9 After some time the physician cut John open rendering metal unto his shattered bones and mending his wounds with string and sent him on his way. After many months all was healed and the lesson was learned. "Yes dear" now sayeth John as well as "I shall tempt the Lord's great slipperiness never again."

OK, so I broke my ankle. Yes, I should have listened to Traceth, er, I mean Tracy. I've learned several things.

1) I don't much like narcotics.
2) Messing with medical staff is fun.
3) I have a lot of friends who are trying to make me fat in this period of no exercise.
4) Ice is slippery.
5) Stairs are kryptonite.

I'll let you know if I garner any deep insights from this accident but in the meantime I'm pretty much rendered stupid from the pain medication.

You Can't Spell "Paint" without "Pain"

2007-02-12T11:47:00.000-05:00

Can you guess what I've been up to? Hint: They know my name at the paint store.

We thought it was a swell idea to give our family room/breakfast area/kitchen a new look. And so it was but it's been three weeks of nonstop work. Tracy is not allowed near anything resembling a brush (yes, I'm anal, a perfectionist and like to work alone) so it's been a solo effort. Suffice it to say I don't want to paint anything else in the foreseeable future. Especially anything that comes in a ceiling. Specifically about 476 square feet of ceiling. Oh the humanity.

Bought a small PA system. I can't begin to tell you how cool it is to have this baby sitting in my basement. I knew it was a keeper when Tracy said "hey, you sound really good" as compliments from her in regard to my playing, singing and songwriting are, ahem, infrequent. Yes, we've been married a long time. A very long time. In fact, our wedding invitations stated that our ceremony was to be "In Color" which was quite advanced for those days. Indeed, it was very cold and there was much work to be done.

Word has leaked out that some of my band mates at Trinity have perused the ol' blog. Crap. I was going to write a lengthy entry about their general ineptitude, apathy, smell and other shortcomings but I guess that's not happening now. Of course I'm kidding (as far as you know). These folks are a blast to play with and the talent level is pretty high. We generally rock, Beavis.

The paint is dry, more blogging to come.

Who is Worthy?

2007-01-11T19:13:00.000-05:00

My good friend Bill had his pancreas removed last Friday. He's got a family history of pancreatic cancer and things were starting to look suspicious so they decided to cut it out. A very delicate, risky and lengthy surgery. He was in for eight hours. It was successful and we're all waiting on the biopsy results. Your prayers are welcome.

Anyhoo, I got to thinking about a gathering we had at my house a couple of summers ago. My brother Pastor Mike and his family were there as was Bill and his family. Bill is hilarious, profane and bright. A sort of practicing Catholic. He didn't know my brother was a pastor. The three of us were sitting in the backyard enjoying some beers and watching the kids play. Bill was being his usual self and was stunned to find out my brother was a pastor. He peppered my brother with questions. "You're sitting around with us like a normal guy drinking beer?!" Yes, some pastors (the ones I like anyway) are quite normal, funny, and some even like to have a few beers. Human you might say. The conversation turned to love and forgiveness. Mike explained that God loves us all (keyword: all) and that we all receive God's grace. Bill argued that God couldn't forgive or love someone like him. A sinner. I could see his wheels spinning as the questions continued. I think he came away understanding that God really does care and that following some set of impossible rules is not the path to receiving grace. I shared this story with Pastor Matt over lunch today and he interrupted to say that Bill is probably the kind of guy that God especially loves. I agree.

Jesus wasn't big on rule books. Still isn't. We simply need to receive his love and act out of that love. It's not about saying some stupid magical prayer and being saved on the spot or following a rigid set of guidelines. I don't mean to say that we have carte blanche to sin like drunken sailors but if we accept his love we're that far ahead of the game. When we love someone we are compelled to try and please that person with our actions.

Jesus loves you Bill. Hell, he even loves me. It just took me about 43 years to figure that out.

I Repent

2007-01-09T20:49:00.000-05:00

...of trying to change my church. The planks in my eyes are what I should be focusing on rather than the splinters I've been agonizing over in the collective peepers of the traditional worshippers at Zion. So this is the way it's a-gonna be. Excellent contemporary Sunday morning worship at my brother's church (Mt. Joy Trinity Lutheran) for the foreseeable future and continued membership at my old church where I will partner with Pastor Matt in the pursuit of emergent worship on Sunday evenings. We're also going to stay involved there and try to engage others in missional or educational pursuits. Heck, we might even show up on the occasional Sunday morning to kick it old school.

As for the evening worship at Zion, it's incredible. We'll have a new schedule coming out in a week or so and I'll post it.

"They put Jesus on a cross, they put a hole in JFK, they put Hitler in the driver's seat and looked the other way. Now they've got poison in the water and the whole world's in a trance, but just because we're hypnotized that don't mean we can't dance and do the Funky. The Funky Western Civilization" - Tonio K. "The Funky Western Civilization" from "Life in the Foodchain". Nothing to do with this post but hey, it's my blog.

An Open Letter to the Citizens of Bedford Falls

2006-12-22T18:22:00.000-05:00

Dear Citizens,

Mr. Martini. I love your bar. That Nick fella is one cheery dude. Of course, in the "sans George Bedford Falls" (SGBF) you weren't around so I 'm assuming you were toast or otherwise occupied in some ne'er-do-well vocation. Perhaps you were a bootlegger like my Italian great Grandad in nearby Watkins Glen. Regardless, it's good to know that there are garlic-eaters (tip 'o' the hat to Potter) who aren't too shy to load a goat into car with their kids. By the way, what the heck was Mary thinking when she said "Mr. Martini, how about some wine" in the final scene? Does she think that since you own a bar you cart hooch around with you wherever you go and that you had enough to pour drinks for 50+ people? Thanks for busting open-da-juke-a-de-box.

Mr. Gower. Turns out you were ok, even after you administered frontier justice on young George by repeatedly smacking him on his bad ear drawing small amounts of blood. You drooled a lot when you were drunk, especially so in Martini's in SGBF but hey, that's not a crime. It was very nice of you to buy George a suitcase for not ratting you out over the poison capsules (which is a crime). Mighty nice.

Nick. Best quote ever. "We serve hard drinks for men who want to get drunk fast and we don't need no characters around to give the joint atmosphere". Of course that was in SGBF so again, you are forgiven. It was nice of you to hand out wings and to restrain yourself from belting Clarence in the face with your meaty left for a convincer.

Harry. Brother of George. Eats Committee Chairman. Athlete. Married that hot babe and took a job with her dad. Time after time you left George holding the bag. Nice. You did save a transport of soldiers and you give a mean toast so you've got that going for you.

Violet. Hootchie mama.

Carter, Bank Examiner. Hope you got to spend CHRISTMAS in ELMIRA with your FAMILY. You had very few lines but that one was delivered with panache and aplomb.

Mary Hatch Bailey. I always wondered why your vision went bad in SGBF. Perhaps lighting up like a firefly when George was around had some physiological effect that helped you maintain 20-20 vision. Apart from your assumptions about Mr. Gower's Jesus-like ability to produce wine out of nothing, you are one swell cookie.

Potter. Henry Potter. Scorner of garlic-eaters and discontented rabble. Malfeasance! Manipulation! Misappropriation of funds! You are the original Grinch. Dare I say your brain is full of spiders and YOU have garlic in your soul. I wouldn't touch you with a thirty nine and a half inch pole. It WAS kind of cool when you made George sit in the low chair and drop the cigar in his lap. Other than that, you suck eggs. And that goes for your toadies. And that goes for your other toadies too!

Uncle Billy. You're a fun loving, dimwitted lush. Don't we all have an Uncle Billy somewhere? If I were George I think I'd trust the deposits to cousin Eustice. Watch those garbage cans, William.

Clarence, ASII. Sent from God to save George. I'm sorry that you didn't get to enjoy a mulled wine, heavy on the cinnamon, light on the cloves but I am glad that SGBF Nick didn't sprawl you out like a cheap throw rug. I'm also glad you got your wings. You deserve 'em.

Zuzu. Nakesake of our wiener dog. 'Nuff said.

George Bailey. Our hero. Takes a punch pretty well. Not afraid to dive into choppy waters to save a stranger. Likes a few pops when the chips are down. Not a praying man but prays pretty well nonetheless. Bad driver. Your melt down in the living room was pretty good but you could take a few pointers from Clark Grisowld. Richest man in town. We love you man.

Peace out,
John

A Nation of Nitwits

2006-12-21T12:41:00.000-05:00

Yes, that's us. I felt ill watching the media feeding frenzy surrounding our hero Donald Trump and the vapid, partying, air bucket known as Miss USA. Fox News (and others I'm sure) seized the opportunity to play clip after clip of Miss USA's swimsuit competition spot. We devour this crap and the people that serve it up are only too happy to make a buck on our 'need'.

Celebrity, wealth and status. It's what we care about. It's what we're sold on a daily basis and people are only too eager to buy into the whole fetid picture. Meanwhile....

"Darfur has been embroiled in a deadly conflict for over three years. At least 400,000 people have been killed; more than 2 million innocent civilians have been forced to flee their homes and now live in displaced-persons camps in Sudan or in refugee camps in neighboring Chad; and more than 3.5 million men, women, and children are completely reliant on international aid for survival. Not since the Rwandan genocide of 1994 has the world seen such a calculated campaign of displacement, starvation, rape, and mass slaughter."

Oddly enough I don't hear much about this on the news. I guess clips of slaughtered and starving Africans don't bring in the ratings.

SaveDarfur.org has a post called "Educate Others" that's worth checking out...

Tell It Brother King!

2006-12-18T18:58:00.000-05:00

Good evening and welcome to another edition of the Reverend Larry King Live. Tonight, as usual, I'll be speaking in bullet points.

My communion bread of choice is Triscuit Crackers. They're delicious, they're wafers and if they're good enough for Sandy Duncan they're good enough for me.

My sermon this week will be "Smokey and the Bandit and the Gospel". The Bandit? Jesus of course with that crazy sidekick Cledus - obviously the apostle Paul. 400 cases of Coors? Water into wine. Big and Little Enos Burdett as the Pharisees. Carrie? Mary Magdalene. Don't miss it. We'll be East Bound and Down.

For my money there's no better comedian working today than Morey Amsterdam.

Wait... my producer is telling me something..... I'm Jewish? No matter, if that Joel Olsteen guy can claim to be a minister so can I.

Editor's Note: The God, Guitars and Lager staff would like to apologize for the content of this post. Attempts at humor will not be tolerated as we're Really Quite Sure that God doesn't want us to have a good laugh from time to time and that mindless tripe and whimsy will be dealt with severely come Judgement Day.

Advent Service

2006-12-14T20:59:00.000-05:00

Our last Advent evening service is this Sunday. See the sidebar for specifics. Last week our small gathering sang, prayed and talked. Pastor Matt guided us along and we shared some readings, poems and stories. We looked at artwork. We reflected and prayed in silence and it never once felt awkward. Afterwards we ate the cookies my wife had baked and some brownies that others brought. It was way cool. I hope it was the start of a gathering that takes root and flourishes. Now we gotta figure out how to take this to the people.

Stay tuned and please... join us.

Big Things, Small Packages

2006-12-11T19:33:00.000-05:00

We support a little girl from Bangladesh named Nazma through the World Vision organization. She lives in a poor village with her family. They struggle to survive. I doubt that she'll be getting a a small fortune in mind numbing electronic garbage for Christmas this year. When I got home today there was a card in the mail from her. I can imagine her sitting in her home working on these pictures thinking about that distant family from around the world that for some reason wants to help her. I don't know if she was smiling but I hope so. We worry about our world. We wonder why other countries hate us. There are no easy answers but there are small steps we can all take to do exactly what Jesus told us to do in not so subtle terms. Love is spread one person at a time. Taste and see. It can turn a rotten Monday into a pretty special day.

Q: What Does Jesus Sing When He Waxes His Car?

2006-12-07T20:22:00.000-05:00

A: "Shine Jesus, Shine"

Editor's Note: This may be my least favorite song of all time. I hate it. I hate it so much. Worse than "Seasons in the Sun". For more Bible related automotive hilarity click here . It ain't all gonna be serious stuff around here folks.

Stuck in a Rut

2006-12-06T17:20:00.000-05:00

So what's wrong with mainline churches? Membership is declining in almost every mainline denomination. I belong to the ELCA which hasn't seen an increase in membership since 1991. The problem is what churches have become. A couple of comments from readers follow.

"It just seems to me that the church (at least ours) can't stop bickering over the minor things. Nothing turns people off more than a church that can't pull together."

"I hear worship used as a noun by most church people to describe a benign weekly activity undertaken without much thought or intentionality. What if we talked about worshiping God in a different way than we are used to talking about it. what if we talked about it in terms of loving God, in terms of adoration or in terms of a need to encounter the divine mystery as often as we can? "

Here's my $.02. Most churches are well intentioned but have lost sight of the very reasons we are called to come together. I don't wish to offend anyone here but I'm going to be blunt. It's my personal experience that there is more concern with not rocking the boat than there is with keeping the status quo in check - and that status quo has little to do with reaching out to the very people who gain to benefit from a relationship with God. We can't take the American flag out of the sanctuary. People don't want to partake of the Lord's supper on a weekly basis because it makes the service too long. We have places to be on Sunday you know. We can't have non-traditional music because that's not the way we do things. The pastor shouldn't talk about things that make us uncomfortable because Jesus was all about not wanting us to evaluate our lives. We don't want to upset good old Frank and Betty because they're high up on the tithing food chain and we really could use new choir robes. I once heard someone complaining that their pastor attracted people who didn't give money to the church. Needy people. Can you imagine? If we're not supposed to be reaching out to needy people then what the hell are we supposed to be doing? We don't want homosexuals, the poor, and ne'er-do-wells stinking up the pews. You know Jesus never hung around with those types, eh? So we plod onward with boring, rote gatherings that have little appeal to so many and very little to do with "encountering the divine mystery" as eloquently stated above. We're left with little more than Sunday morning social clubs for "people like us". There are many good people in these churches but we need to wake up. We need to give God His church back because we've run it into the ground.

Some Thoughts

2006-12-05T18:45:00.000-05:00

Well, we're off and running. It was good to see a couple of comments here and better to hear from some of you I haven't spoken to in awhile via email. Please, feel free to leave your comments even if (especially if!) you don't agree with me. Healthy debate facilitates learning.

I was thinking about this on the way home tonight.

I believe in God the Father, creator of heaven and earth....

Almost every culture in every part of the world believes in a creator. Is this some wild pipe dream shared by a species that simply fabricates an omnipotent father figure out of some psychological need for a daddy in the sky? Nope. We are created in His image. I believe that his seed is planted in every heart and mind and that we are given the choice to freely accept or reject Him. There is no love without that choice. I believe the very nature of our universe and the intricate relationships that exist to support life are just too perfect to suggest random chance (but I'll leave that debate to the scientists and theology experts).

God is present every time my little girl smiles at me. He's there when we pull together to help others in times of crisis. He's there when I get angry at him. He's there when a friend dies. He's there for us when we fight addictions and hit rock bottom. He's there when we ask Him to be even if we don't realize it at the time. God's grace is limitless. He accepts us even before we accept Him. He knows we'll screw up - it's the only thing we do perfectly on a consistent basis. He uses the least among us to do great things. He came to us in humility to teach us to serve each other and simply love as we wish to be loved. Why can't we learn that simple fact and turn away from judgement and debates on sexuality? There are no simple solutions to the problems that plague the world but I am learning that we can make every life better by practicing what He teaches us. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. It's certainly not a Darwinian concept but just imagine... what would that world be like?

I'm not a theologian but I play one on TV

2006-12-04T19:03:00.000-05:00

There have been a lot of words written by people a lot more knowledgeable than me in regard to the state of the "mainline church". For me it pretty much boils down to this. Traditional Sunday morning worship with stale liturgies is dead. I'm bored with it. My kids have always been bored with it. My wife is bored with it. Here's a news flash: God doesn't want his people to be well-dressed Sunday morning zombies. Hear me out on this. I know that there's still a large population of Christians who hold traditional worship near and dear. It still speaks to them and it facilitates their relationship with God. It still has a place. I respect it and those who practice it. But....

The pews at many of these churches are largely devoid of people under the age of 40. There's an alarming shortage of teens and Gen-X'ers. Contemporary worship services are an option but many of these fall flat and come across as nothing more than sing-a-longs with "it's all about how good Jesus makes me feel" lyrics and cheesy pop musical stylings. Been there, won't be doing that. So where does that leave me and countless others?

We need worship that is interactive. Worship that embraces the mysteries of Jesus and his message. We need to readjust our focus. It seems that modern Christians are more concerned with being "saved" than putting the teachings of Jesus into practice. Our worship needs to embrace His teachings. The radical agenda of Jesus needs to come the forefront. His message of love and forgiveness is the one thing that can truly save this world. His message is lacking in the version of Christianity that the religious right has co-opted but that's a post for another day. I want worship that doesn't make us feel good about our wealth. Worship that doesn't rationalize our role as modern day Pharisees. I want to confess my sins, say the creed and mean it. I want to partake of the sacrament of Holy Communion and have it mean something. I want to learn and I want to sing. I want to do this with and for other people who are yearning for the same thing. I don't want to be a Sunday morning Christian. I want to follow Christ.

That crisp, new blog smell....

2006-12-04T13:02:00.000-05:00

Howdy, and welcome to post #1. Hopefully there will be many more to follow.

I'm going to be writing about life. Some of it will be funny (I promise). Some of it will hopefully piss you off. All of it will be open for discussion. I welcome debate but insist you keep it civil.

This week I want to touch on the state of Christianity in the US. I know, why start with something so simple? Smell that? Sarcasm.....

Lunch hour is over so I'll continue tonight.